Guilt. warning...this is pretty long!

Today I’m suffering from guilt. Well, its either guilt or utter confusion. Having been to some of the poorest countries in the world, you would think that I would know what to do when coming across a beggar. But yet yesterday, I was confronted with the same issue that I thought I could keep avoiding. Do I go ahead and give them money? Or do I stand by the principle of development work where it is better for them if we do not encourage begging? Hence not giving them any money?

When I was younger I remember being afraid of beggars. They would put their hands out in front of you, making sure they were in your way and then there was little me, clinging to my mother to make sure I wouldn’t get ‘pulled’ into their ‘world’. In the Philippines they were often very dark skinned, dirty, smelly and sitting on cardboard. It turns out that they don’t really differ between countries, or even through the years.

I knew she was there, I saw here while we were walking to the ATM, but I didn’t want to make eye contact or even acknowledge her because once I did I was putting myself in the awkward situation or either saying ‘sorry no money’ or realizing that I only had big notes and didn’t really want to part with them. My husband and I lined up like good citizens at the ATM only to find out that it was not working. We wondered what we were going to do next, and that’s when she swooped. She saw the opportunity of two foreigners standing still for more than a minute. She screwed up her face like she was in pain, wrapped her face up with her shawl and put out the tin bowl in front of us which had a 5 rupee note that she held onto with her thumb to make sure no one would snatch it. She didn’t really use words, more little noise in between pleads of “please”. I said we didn’t have any money, which was semi true. The money on me was $6, all we had until the ATM was working again which we had no idea how long it would be. My husband and I patted ourselves down looking for spare change but had none. She didn’t seem to take that as an excuse and persisted with her noises, until my husband dragged me a few meters away.

We decided to have a bite to eat with our $6 and sat in a nearby restaurant. That was when I saw about 5 or 6 beggars running around after foreigners with tin bowls. I thought it was weird that they were all out on a Sunday and also that I had never seen them before in the 2 months of living in the area. There were 3 teenage girls begging, dressed like the lady at the ATM. Except unlike the ATM lady, the girls still had their youthful happiness shining through, which didn't make them look so desperate. It looked like they were doing it more for the sheer thrill of the whole experience.

After all this, my husband saw me pull out a 5 rupee note to pay for our meal and this is the conversation that broke me...
"Oh you do have small change. Why didn't you give it to the lady?" My husband said.
And I replied, "I don't want to encourage begging. If they were so desperate they would want to make something of their lives that was long term...like a shop or something."
"But you don't know their situation?"
"But that lady looks able bodied, she could be working somewhere?"
"But you still don't know their situation, and why they are doing it."
Then I started my big spiel about development and if they are desperate we are there to help them help themselves etc...

Of course after this we had another encounter with this lady much to my dismay. On our way home I started to battle it out in my thoughts:
"gosh Beryl it wouldn't hurt to give like 2 or 5 rupees to them"
"but then if I give one lady 5 rupees, I'll end up giving all the beggars 5 rupees and there goes all my money!"
"those girls should've been in school. I'd rather pay for them to go to school for a whole year than only give them 5 rupees"

I do believe my husband is disappointed in me which makes me feel even more guilty! Anyway, this is what has completely confused me...I'm still left with no idea what to do...hopefully I'll figure it out while I'm here! At least I have 2 whole years to think about it...